Skulduggery Pleasant Spoof: Ravel's Journal
by ValkyrieCain4Ever
Summary: Remember in 'Kingdom of the Wicked' the Elder's Journals? Well this is what Erskine Ravel writes in his! Please comment if you likie!
1. Chapter 1

Entry One:

Okay, first of all, I don't even know why I'm doing this. I mean, I know I'm an Elder and everything but SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY!? WHY… A… STINKING… JOURNAL!?

Okay… okay I think I've calmed down now and I can get on to the boring crap I have to fill this in.

So… here I go.

My name is Erskine Ravel the I-don't-know-what number Grand Mage yada-yada-yada. My fellow Elders are Ghastly Bespoke and Madame Mist blah-blah-blah, still don't know why I'm doing this, blah.

Okay, yeah that pretty much clears up the boring stuff and I don't really know how to end one of these things so… bye… I guess.


	2. Chapter 2

Entry Two:

Okay, Yeah, I'm back. I'm also in the Medical Bay after getting into a fight with a fat lady in Wal-Mart over a loaf of bread.

But it was the last one and it was my favorite kind. Then that fat lady in her stupid sunflower dress and her stupid polka dot purse and her stupid face and her stupid-

Okay, I think I'm calm now.

Anyway, long story short. I'm banned from Wal-Mart for eternity and need to hold an ice pack to my butt for a few hours and have to stay in the Medical Bay to make sure that I can still sit after my 'treatment.'

But I emerged victorious.


	3. Chapter 3

Entry Three:

Help… me…

I am right now stuck in my bathtub because I got my big toe stuck in the faucet after I decided to show up the girl on this show I saw today. I can't remember what the show was called, it was like icurly or icorny or something like that. I don't know. I've been stuck in here for at least three hours and I've been screaming my head off for the last two.

I just hope someone finds me soon before I turn into a shriveled up prune.


	4. Chapter 4

Entry Four:

Well I finally got unstuck from the faucet after a traumatizing experience of the fat plumber who Ghastly called in to get me unstuck gave me a fifteen second low-crack.

I had to go to Dr. Nye again to make sure my blood is flowing properly in my toe. It poked my toe for a while asking pointless questions like 'can you feel that?' or 'does this hurt?' or 'can't you be more careful as to not get your toe stuck in the faucet next time you take a bath?'

Idiot.


	5. Chapter 5

Entry Five:

Okay… Okay… I think I've calmed down now.

Yeah, you're probably wondering why I'm so freaked out so I'll explain.

Today I was sitting on those stupid thrones that we're forced to sit on and was watching that new TV we got to make sure we don't get bored and I was throwing the popcorn Tipstaff brought me, another idiot, at the girl from that show who made me want to get my toe stuck in the faucet. When Tipstaff came in and said in his little rat voice "Detectives Pleasant and Cain wish to speak to the Council, do you oblige?" So then after the usual few minutes of me and Ghastly complaining about protocol and Tipstaff explaining why and all the boring crap I have to deal with other than Madame Mist and agreed to see Valkyrie and Skulduggery in the way Tipstaff approved and they were let in.

Then that was when I screamed.

Ghastly says I screamed like a little girl and was clutching my popcorn like a little girl would clutch her doll when I saw Valkyrie.

Her hair was changing COLORS. COLORS!

Seriously! Green, red, blue, purple, yellow, aqua, lavender, mint, pencil, EARASER. All these different colors and it scared me.

Valkyrie explained once I stopped having an aneurism that she accidentally drank something that made her hair change colors for a week.

And that is why I am now hiding in the bathroom until the week is up. I have a big book with big words.

Oh wait… someone's coming.

It's… Madame Mist?!


	6. Chapter 6

Entry Six:

I'm in the Medical Bay…again.

Turns out I was hiding in the WOMAN'S bathroom, not the Men's. And now that I think about it I realize that this wouldn't have been the best place to hide even if Madame Mist hadn't found me because sooner or later Valkyrie would have to go to the bathroom and this is literally the only bathroom in the Sanctuary.

Man I need to install more bathrooms.

So, yeah, I'm in the hands of an IT once again with three fractured ribs, a twisted wrist, internal bleeding and a black eye.

Man a sink can do a lot to you when you're being thrown around the woman's bathroom by an angry spider lady.


	7. Chapter 7

Entry Seven:

I'm eating a sandwich and it tastes like a brick.


	8. Chapter 8

Entry Eight:

So it turns out that sandwich I was eating yesterday that tasted like a brick was made of the bread I won in that fight with the fat lady in Wal-Mart.

Yeah I'm pretty depressed so I'm looking at funny cat pictures online.


	9. Chapter 9

Entry Nine:

I don't think the IT is happy with me.

Why? You ask. It's because it is sick of me coming in every day to get fixed so it gave me a special suit made out of bubble wrap. Nye said that I could fall down twelve flights of stairs and I wouldn't feel a thing. So I'm going to go test it out!


	10. Chapter 10

Entry Ten:

Shouldn't… have… tested it…

Remember how I said that I was going to test out the suit I got from the IT?

Well the test epically failed and now I know that Dr. Nye is a lying cow turd.

That's right, I said it and I'll say it again.

COW TURD.

Anyway here's a lesson for ya: bubble wrap doesn't work.

And now after my little 'test' which mainly consisted of me throwing myself down twelve flights of stairs and suffering three times more injuries then my Madame Mist Episode I am confined to the Medical Bay until I am healed and until the IT has found the best way to keep me from injuring myself.


End file.
